Friendship, groceries, and how loneliness might be the new smoking.
Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink...
Slack, LinkedIn, Instagram... we're drowning in communication with other humans. Yet, we're lonelier than ever.
Today's submission is from someone who has been feeling isolated and lonely due to working remotely during the pandemic. They recently met someone on a field trip and started developing a friendship with them. Lines got crossed, romantic intention was perceived... awkwardness ensued.
Hi Jacki.
Covid, working remote, and a number of other things have driven me into more isolation. I've been really exceptionally lonely, and recognized at the onset of this year that I no longer had any deep personal friendships that I could lean on or share life experiences with.
I work in another part of the country from my employer, and recently went on a field trip and got connected to someone I really liked and respected. I projected my own needs (finding a great friend, a friend this person reminded me of) onto the establishing relationship dynamic, and didn't recognize how the other party might respond to or take my general affability.
I thought that given my intent was pure, and every time I tried to identify a boundary that was being crossed I did and that person assured me that wasn't happening. Things took a turn and this weekend and I came to find that the other party was interpreting these overtures as romantic interest and took them a way that wasn't intended.
I wanted to set this boundary clearly and early, but every time I thought I saw an opening for it, I was made to believe that wasn't the case. In passing, I realize that I had projected my own needs into this relationship dynamic and didn't recognize how that messaging might be taken by the other party. But I was really uncomfortable setting a boundary early on, and didn't want to be weird with "hey I don't have any romantic interest at all".
Could you give some guidance on the most effective way to set a boundary at the onset of a work relationship and developing friendship outside the bounds of "work", without being a fucking weirdo and bringing a context into a dynamic you didn't want to exist at all?
-- Stuck in Isolation
Hi Stuck in Isolation,
Have you ever gone grocery shopping when you were starving? I'll end up filling my (usually Instacart) cart with far more items than I could ever consume in a week. We're talking 3 crockpot meals and 4 tubs of burrata. Yuh.
You went friend shopping on an empty stomach!
And you're in good company because an estimated 58% of Americans are lonely. And loneliness is more than a feeling - studies have shown that it can be just as detrimental to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and it's associated with increased risk of depression, anxiety, heart disease, and cognitive decline.
So first, I want to acknowledge your risk and being in action about it. As Winston Churchill said, "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” -Winston Churchill
And this is exactly what we're going to do - shake this off and come back at it with a shift in approach. The goal is connection and friendship, right? Are you fussy about how you get there? Didn't think so!
Here's the plan:
Shake it off
Cultivate friendship
Go friend shopping on a full stomach
You ready?! Let's go!
Step 1: Shake it off
Social awkwardness gives me such a visceral sensation - kinda like I'm getting ready to retch in my throat and then my whole stomach churns. Emotion lives in our body, and physical movement gets it up and out.
For this step, you're going to PHYSICALLY shake it OFF! Pick a song, get up and move, shake, and even tell off a house plant with all the complaints you've got.
Here's my pick, but you do you, boo!
Step 2: Cultivate friendship
I want you to remember back to feelings of friendship and connection. What are the qualities you appreciate when it comes to friends? Good listener? Funny? Good at video games?
Grab a paper and pen, and for the next 3 minutes make a list of all those traits. It's only 3 minutes - keep writing - it doesn't have to make sense, just keep writing. Here's a 3 minute timer with some background music for this task:
Whew! 3 minutes have never seemed so long, right?
Ok, now - look over your list. Choose the top 3 traits that resonate. Star, underline, or write them on a sticky note.
You ready for the mind trip? You spot it you got it. Yeah, those 3 traits are describing YOU! Breathe it in. (If you're feeling resistance just keep breathing!)
Step 3: Go shopping on a full stomach
Now we're going to take our satiated bellies out shopping. You no longer "need" external friendship - you've got it inside you wherever you go.
So where will you go? Let's make a list:
old friends from school/college you've been out of contact with
cousins/family you've always liked
people on linkedin you admire
online communities (slack, discord, etc)
sports - pick up basketball, dodgeball league, tennis lessons (I'm taking an intro to Pickleball class tomorrow)
cooking class - sur la table offers them, or continuing education
foreign language - take a class, join a conversation club
take an improv class (or standup or sketch writing)
meetup has groups for all sorts of hobbies
professional networking - Pavilion, AAISP, etc
actual meetup opportunities in boston, ma this weekend
This is going to take a bunch of mini-risk actions over time. Acknowledge your actions as you go - I use an app called Me+ to track my habits day by day. (There's a ton out there, including my new love Notion). Something about the haptic feedback when I complete a task... oh baby!
And - if you notice those feelings of lack creeping in - pull up that paper with your 3 friendship qualities that are already inside you. And yes, you DO have a pure heart with pure intentions. You've got this.
Now, as for your coworker who misinterpreted your friendliness for romantic interest? Give that some space and time. You acknowledge you put way too much on her - you're going to fill yourself up with friendship and connection, and in time you'll be transmitting a whole different energy.
Think of yourself as a magnet - when you think you need everything outside you, you'll repel what you want. But when you fill yourself up first, you'll be attracting more and more of what you've already got.
Ok I'm off to enjoy some burrata and balsamic glaze... Keep your submissions coming, and if you're the TikTokking type, follow me there too!
